I don’t know what to say…

Let it go, when I meet you
All the clouds parted, all that light came shining through…

This… I write now, is the hardest thing I’ve ever put on paper. And this text here, I’ll be the most honest and straight I’ve been. I never lied to you, believe me, but especially when you read this, I do not get no doubt, because I tried not to use metaphors, what you read here will not be hidden on a veil of a second interpretation, or a “do not get me wrong.”Now, I will not be misunderstood. And I pray, I pray to God that don’t misunderstand me. Have you ever … I wonder, have you ever not understood what I wanted to tell you?Did you got it all wrong so far? What kind of woman cliché you think I am? You think I’m just one? Dear … sorry to tell you, well, I’m not an ordinary woman. I doubt, I put my hands on fire, you’ve met someone like me. I am only my love, I make all the difference in a crowd, but this difference are very few who see. Few people that I see inside, there are few people who come to me and say, I’m unusual because I pretend, I pretend not do difference. I love me, know this, I have a like “Lion” to be, but this is not the side …Its not most important thing that matters now … my self-love?Don’t interest now. What’s important is that I never wrote anything with so much love and sincerity. Now, at this point, I’m putting everything I ever wanted to tell you, from the outside. Maybe that’s what you want … a bit of sincerity, or a little more sincerity? Want something outright? Direct and straight? All I ask, my love, I’ll do the only thing that can not and will I deny is that I love you. And this love, this love, brought me better days, and I saw the light again. I was so worried, and you appeared, and then I recalled a childhood sweetheart, 12 years ago, when I saw you sing. And until then, until you reappear, I did not know it was you, and when you said “Delight, I’m Figaro…” I choked on toast. I am the beast my love, I am moved with little. Love, I’m so simple, nothing too complicated. I’m not a complicated woman, but I’m no one. I’m not an ordinary woman. I used a ridiculous yellow dress on the day you first saw, and the second time I wore black clothes and white gloves. And now I touch your face with my white gloves, as much as now they do not serve me more, but it is with them that I will touch the face, because my love is pure.

And years later, I saw you on the road some mornings, and I always found it beautiful, but I did not know you inside, I never got around and asked: “I know you from somewhere?.” I saw her face and liked him. I’d like to see you lost, sitting waiting for the bus… and lost. One day I saw you with his old girlfriend in the supermarket parking lot, there near the church Aparecida(Pague-Menos market, same street of church), and for a minute I felt a slight envy, and I thought, “cute couple”. And then I went back to reading my book. But I did not realize, I do not imagine that one day you will rise again. And the way you came, it was funny … I saw you on facebook, and I recognized, I’m back in the years that I looked lonely waiting for the bus. And I commented to a friend, “Bia, I remember him waiting for the bus, he is the brother of Leo, remembers?”, And I exclaimed “Heavens, every day this man is more beautiful,” and then she said, “he added … add like a friend! what are you waiting?”. And I just said,”Are you crazy? He did not know me, and I do not know. Because he accept? We have never spoken a word to each other, I’m not crazy to do that!”. Don’t know, i don’t knew little about you, we never talked around, and you never remember my face. And so it was, and I watched their profile photo for several moments, but then I went to sleep. I went to sleep because it would the beach with my family. During one week, I was thinking about life and meaning. And it was there on the edge of the beach, I asked someone good in my life. I said, “God, someone special place in my life, someone who see me inside.” And then I came back from my retreat by sea on a Sunday night, and then you appeared, wanting to be my friend. And now you’re gone. You disappear, no longer responds to that I ask. I asked him how was your exams in college, and you did not answer me, I asked him how was the show of Roger Waters,and you ignored me. You were the first person I told about my promotion at work, I expected it to be happy, but you did not answer. And that hurt me. And do not think this would happen only with yourself. Any person I respect and feel the least affection, if Ignored it, I would be very sad.. I will not let go of what I wrote to you, because nothing in life is in vain. My love is true, however you do not believe in it or is it just iluded man. Love, I’m not playing with those feelings, and in no time I played with her. I’m sorry if you ever had that thought about me, I believe people make mistakes. If you think I’m a giddy, love, I forgive you, and forgive me if I spent that impression. Forgive me if I fell for you, from the moment you read that text about my childhood, a fact that nobody gave importance, everyone thought it was fool, no one paid any attention, and then you appear out of nowhere and you read without difficulty. And then that song has now become a sad thing. I thought it a sad beauty, and that song made me smile …but now…make me cry.

I will not beg, kneel asking who loves me. You know now, I think that more direct here, is not impossible? Baby I love you, and I’ll be here, you know, I love this place. Do you know where to find me, if you’re just confused again … be my friend and let nature and time take care of it. God knows how I take care of my garden every morning I water my flower with tiny drops of water, and it is a beautiful sunflower. He did not sprout, but I know it’s there … unknown and hidden beneath the soft earth. And I can not, I can not beg to be born.

I ask only to stay, pretend you don’t know that I love, then I pretend that I believe it, I can also pretend that you never felt nothing, absolutely nothing, and then we’ll be fine. Be my friend and pretend nothing happened. And in our pride, we will continue our lives, just as friends. I do not know anything, neither do you. Let’s be cynical, one with another,everyone has a friend is not cynical? Everyone has a sarcastic friend, everyone has a friend who denies all the time. And when I told you never loved anyone, know I’ll be being ironic. And now I do not love you anymore, I’m just your little friend now. And as I write this, is not going no tears, I feel no pain, I feel nothing. And you know why? Want to hear more once the damn truth? Why do I love you, and I do not know what else to tell you.Therefore, I Love You, Lover, I’ll say it one last time, the next “I love you” will just be me, in my silence, in my solitude. And if I ever see you in the crowd, know that I still love you, but I do not know what to tell you … I’ll just say “Hello how are you!” Because I’m cynical and sarcastic, even with tears eyes, I’ll ask if it’s okay!

I’m sorry if I’m too scary to you. But believe me, I have also felt fear when I discovered that I loved. But I dont deny my love, but even so, if it makes you feel better, Love, I’m sorry for scaring you. I’m too intense and I scared you as a little boy afraid of the dark. Are you close this place it is now, with its stones in his imaginary mountain, but you can not see, can not you see I’m just a woman who does not deny feelings. Sorry my love, my sincerity to hurt you, sorry because I like to write what I think, sorry if you curse me for simply exist, but not my fault, I do not have the fabric of fate in my hands, I am a woman who barely know how to sew. Forgive me if I just made you suffer, if that happened, because I don’t know, what goes through your lovely and confusing mind. Forgive me if you think I brought you illusions. I can’t control your feelings, I can’t demand anything from you, your friendship, not a pathetic “good morning”. But if you want, if you want to be a my friend, I can pretend that nothing happened. Honey, be just my friend, but don’t leave me this way. Talk to me as if nothing had happened. Never happened…Nothing happened between us, and that’s half true … is not it? I’m lying now?

I’ll keep writing what I feel, what I see, what I want. But the mind is so powerful that you just need to imagine that when you read “I love you” on something I just imagine that I like just another person. You can? You can lie to yourself? Can you deny your own feelings?When you say you do not love me and that everything is an illusion, I see your whole body cheating. When you say I’ve never felt anything, your eyes will look down, the palm of your hand is up, you move your hands constantly, you’re in a cold sweat, and has too many line expressions on his face. I doubt that one day, never felt anything for me, not a little love, nothing … I doubt I did not move with you … did not I never once shook? You never thought of me No time? I wish I could look in your eyes and ask. But I can not do that. I can not and will not do. I’m just outsider, a stranger, and I don’t want to scare you. Are you an “anti-social” being who wants to distance, so I’ll respect that. Love involves respect for others. I could hate you,offend you, but I can not. Who loves consent … I even joked the first day of April, saying that I hate you, but that was a lie! And when I tell you “I love you”, “I don’t desire you” we’ll be two liars. We will be two beautiful children, lying to one another that the pockets are empty, but in fact, are full of candy.

And before I leave, stay in this place I love, before you go away with their excuses, their beliefs and feelings, you know: I love you. And if one day you want to go back, if you ever wanted something, you know where to find me. And if you ever come to me, it’s just a “Ana, how are you?” I’ll be happy. Love, I am content with little, if they are sincere.

And I end this text here, so in another language. It can have many errors here, but know that it was difficult for me. I like challenges, and I’m a box of surprises, love, I learn things very easy, especially if they challenge me. I am proud, proud a fool to express themselves without limits. I feel like I do, I love, I love writing, even if it causes me pain, as I feel now. I never, never opened myself so much in my life. I do not regret, I do not regret loving you, even you giving up everything. I have no fear of looking like a fool, Love, I am so aware of it. If you do not accept me this way if I scare you, leave you confused, love … what can I do about it? You want me to leave? You really want to try to get away? I will respect your silence, I respect your distance and your space, but I will not stop loving you and stop being myself because this.  Although crying now, this moment that I write, I am a strong woman, a strong woman who is showing to you all that I feel, I do not care what you will find that, if going to like it or not, but I that when I read this, you are aware of what I feel. Why not, I’ll never be able to say, to anyone, you never knew that. And what do you want to know about me, if you still have any doubt about the person I am, ask me and I will answer you, whatever you want. They say that only time heals our hurts, I do not want that time will take my love away, but if this is necessary, there is nothing I can do. If I could turn back the time, I would have been more sensible … or not, I believe it would fall again and again writing it again. And if I’m wrong about all this, if I really is a mad woman, God gives me a little more wisely next time. But I say again … I absolutely do not regret anything I did, or wrote, I am fully aware of what happened to me, than I feel. I do not have remorse for being the more foolish person that ever appeared in your life. I believe in the beauty of the belief of fools. I believe that the world is better with their existence. Better be a fool than ever believing anything…

Maybe someday, I say “Good Night” again, when you are tired and sleepy …

However far away…
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you…


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